


so please hurry leave me

by new_space



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, First Kiss, First War with Voldemort, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Misunderstandings, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Yes the title is a mitski lyric because I'm gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23686897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/new_space/pseuds/new_space
Summary: They kiss and the world doesn't end.
Relationships: Sirius Black & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

_August 1978_

They’ve been drinking. A lot. Sirius lost count somewhere around his fourth glass of firewhisky. The world is a bit shaky and he can’t focus on anything properly. It feels like that one time when he put on Prongs’ glasses and everything was blurry but sharpened at the same time.

He looks around the room. There are two (oh, he was sure they drunk only one) empty bottles of whisky on the coffee table. The ashtray is filled to the brim. As for the Marauders themselves, Prongs is lying on the couch, snoring lightly with his mouth hanging open. He has his Gryffindor tie around his forehead. Pete is nowhere to be found and Sirius recalls with effort that he went to sleep a while ago. Was it minutes, hours? He has no idea. Finally he glances down and realises that Moony is sitting right next to him, leaning against the couch with his head on Sirius’ shoulder. He’s awake, glancing straight ahead with a thoughtful look on his face.

“Hey,” Sirius whispers stupidly.

“Hey,” Remus replies, slowly lifting his head. They’re very close together now.

“What, um, what time is it?” Sirius tries very hard to speak without slurring. Moony seems to be much more sober than him.

“Around four, I think. It’s getting light outside.” Comes the reply.

“D’you want to go to sleep?”

“Not really. It’s nice in here. You’re a good pillow, you know.” Oh yes, he was wrong. Remus is drunk. A sober Remus doesn’t say such things.

“A smoke then? On the balcony?”

Remus seems to consider the question for a moment and then stretches and yawns.

“Yeah, why not.”

They get up slowly, joints cracking. Sirius wonders just how long they’ve been sitting in the same position. And how exactly they ended up in it, too.

He grabs a pack of smokes from the coffee table along with his wand and opens the glass door. It creaks slightly. They step outside and lean against the balustrade, their shoulders touching. It’s very quiet at this time of night. The sky is slowly getting lighter and lighter, with smears of orange on the far horizon. It seems like they are the only people in the world. They light their cigarettes and stand in silence for a while.

“I still can’t believe it, you know,” Remus says finally, glancing at the smoke with fascination in his eyes. He doesn’t normally smoke. Not as much as Sirius and James at least, but that is not to say he doesn’t appreciate a cigarette every once in a while.

“Believe what?” Sirius asks, shifting his gaze from the sky ahead back to Remus.

“That it’s over. Hogwarts. I know it’s been a few weeks already but still I feel like we’ll be going back there after the summer’s over. Just like we always did.”

“Yeah. Me too,” Sirius answers and hesitates a bit. “I thought I got used to the idea of finishing school. We’ve talked about this so many times. But now we’re here. Our own apartment, can you believe it?”

“Everything’s going to change now, isn’t it?” Remus asks and Sirius can’t help but be mesmerised at the golden reflexes that the rising sun is painting in his eyes. He’s beautiful, Sirius let’s himself think. He’s drunk, so thoughts like this are allowed.

“We’re still us, though. Nothing will change between us,” he hears himself say.

“Do you really believe that?” Remus frowns slightly and shakes the ash from his cigarette before lifting his gaze at Sirius.

“Well, of course we’ll have our own lives and all. But it will still be _us_ , you know. In a year, in ten years, it will still be us.”

They are silent for a moment.

“James has Lily now,” Remus says. “And Peter has to look after his mum.”

“So what?” Sirius asks defensively, though it terrifies him too. The thought of them going their own ways. He’s trying to convince himself that nothing will change, and he believes it mostly, but the fear is still there, lurking at the back of his head.

“So we’ll be the only ones left.”

“Is that a bad thing?” Sirius asks before he can stop himself. He’s suddenly acutely aware of his heartbeat quickening. For some reason Remus’ answer to this question seems very important.

“No, I guess it isn’t,” Moony replies and looks at Sirius again and there’s something indecipherable in his eyes. Something warm.

Sirius kisses him then. It seems so natural. Just the two of them at dawn, on the balcony of the flat they share with their best friends, their brothers. Remus kisses back softly. It’s perfect.

They break off after a while and just stand there, looking at the sky. They don’t talk.

Once they’ve finished their cigarettes the sun is already peaking from over the horizon and the world is covered in a golden glow. When they’re coming back to the flat, Remus takes Sirius’ hand. They walk around the apartment closing windows and turning the lights off (even drunk Moony remembers to do that), still holding hands. Finally they enter the bedroom and still without a word lay down on the one empty bed by the window. Peter’s sleeping in the other one. One of them could, of course, go to sleep in the second room but neither one says anything. They both take of their shoes and trousers and lie on the covers, very close together. They kiss again for a long time and finally fall asleep, their fingers still intertwined. Sirius’ last coherent thought before sleep overtakes him is that it couldn’t have been better.

Panic comes in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story is finished, I'm planning to update once or twice a week. Just a disclaimer: I'm not a native speaker so some things might sound a bit awkward.


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius wakes up in an empty bed. For a moment he wonders why it should be unexpected. He always sleeps alone… And then the memories of the previous night come rushing back. Holy mother of God, he kissed Remus. He sits up abruptly and the whole world starts spinning. The hangover is murderous. He slowly becomes more aware of his surroundings. Pete is still asleep in the other bed, curled up on top of the covers in his daily clothes. There is the awful sound of throwing up coming from the bathroom. Looks like Prongs is awake and suffering. Sirius’ mind drifts. What was he thinking about just now? Something about yesterday? Oh… Remus.

He lays back down carefully and puts an arm over his eyes. He never expected Moony of all people to be the one to slip out of someone’s bed after spending the night together. Well, they didn’t exactly spend the night _together_ in that sense but still. Why the hell did he kiss Remus? What was he thinking? Yesterday it seemed so natural and right but now he has no idea how he could possibly let it happen. He’s decided that their friendship was so much more important than his wants and urges years ago. Black, you are never getting drunk again in your life.

But… Remus kissed him back, didn’t he? He didn’t push him away and tell him to go sleep the alcohol off. He responded. And it wasn’t even one time, Sirius thinks desperately. Why would he do that? Damn it, it’s Remus’ role to be panicking in the bedroom and Sirius’ to try to pretend nothing happened. Now everything’s turned upside down.

He has to find him and confront him then. Even if their roles should have been reversed. One has to adapt to new circumstances, right? And yet, Sirius find himself reluctant to get up.

“I think I’m dying,” says a devastated voice from nearby. It’s James, leaning against the door frame with a look of utter despair on his face.

“We’re never drinking again,” Sirius replies in an equally despairing manner.

“Lily’s coming over with a hungover potion. But I’m not sure I’m going to survive until then.”

“Moony’s awake?” Sirius asks, aiming for casual. Really smooth there, Black.

“Yes. And he’s actually alive! It’s not fair,” James whines. “Bloody werewolf magic.”

Remus chooses this exact moment to enter the room. He’s carrying a tray with three steaming cups of coffee. The bastard looks like he’s had a good night’s sleep: his eyes are bright, his hair looks shiny and smooth and he’s wearing fresh clothes. Sirius feels suddenly underdressed with only a baggy t-shirt and boxers on. Remus puts the tray carefully on the nightstand and turns to Sirius with a slight frown on his face.

“Come on, make some room for me here,” he says and sits at the edge of the bed. Sirius scoots back, his thoughts racing. Why is Moony acting like nothing happened?

“Thank Merlin,” James exclaims reaching for one of the cups with a look of relief on his face. “When did you go to sleep, anyway? And why did you leave me on that bloody couch? It’s not very comfortable.”

“You looked so peaceful with all that drool on your face that we didn’t want to disturb you,” Remus answers, before Sirius manages to find words. His mind is sluggish and he’s still focused mostly on Moony and his too casual behaviour.

“What time is it?” he asks finally, repeating the question from last night.

“Just after ten.”

They sit in silence for a while. Sirius takes a cup of coffee more to have something to do than because he actually wants to drink it. It’s not awkward exactly, it never is between the four of them, but there’s this _something_ in the air. Some kind of tension. Even James, in his poor state, seems to notice.

“You know what, I think I’m going to lie down for a while longer,” he murmurs glancing between Remus and Sirius with a slightly questioning look. “Thanks for the coffee, Moons.”

“No problem. We’re low on food so maybe I should–“

“Stay, Remus,” Sirius hurries to say. He can’t let him leave now or they’re never going to talk. He’s not sure if he actually _wants_ to talk but necessity must be put above want sometimes. They need to settle this, one way or another.

“I’ll be just over there,” says James quickly and disappears into the other room, clutching his cup.

Peter is still asleep on the other bed. Or at least very good at pretending. Sirius is very much hoping it’s the former. He chances a look at Moony, who’s subtly but decidedly avoiding his gaze. Sirius has no idea what to do. What is the right thing to say to your lifelong friend whom you kissed the previous night while at least partially drunk? It’s Remus who ultimately breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression last night,” he says, still staring at his cup of coffee like it’s the most fascinating thing he has ever seen. Sirius feels like he just got punched in the chest.

“Wrong impression?” God, why is his voice so shaky and small.

“It’s just that we were both drunk and talking about stuff that was making us feel lonely, you know?” Remus continues, his gaze never leaving that damn cup. Sirius has the sudden urge to kick it out of his hands, do something, anything to make him look up. His mind is stuck on how ironic this whole situation is. It’s Sirius who has the, not very accurate, reputation for casual flings and meaningless snogs. At least that’s how most of Hogwarts explained his mysterious lack of a steady girlfriend.

“…don’t you think?” He realizes he has no idea what Remus just said. Cursing his sluggish hangover brain he shakes his head and does his best to focus. His mind is in shambles, though. Alarm bells ringing, a small voice screeching at him in a tone not unlike his mother, that Remus didn’t want it, that he doesn’t think about him like that and oh you definitely fucked up this time Black.

“Sirius, are you hearing what I’m saying at all?” Remus’ brows crease and he finally looks up from the mug. His eyes look tired but there’s some quiet resolve in there too. So he’s made up his mind.

“Sorry,” Sirius laughs a bit, pretending like he’s not actually on the verge of a panic attack. “I don’t think I’m quite awake yet,” he manages weakly, not sure if he sounds all that convincing. “You were saying?”

“I was saying,” Remus repeats, some annoyance creeping into his voice now. “That we should best just ignore yesterday’s fiasco.” Oh so it’s a fiasco, now? Brilliant.

“Sure,” Sirius replies all too cheerfully. He moves, pressing himself into the corner of the bed and a little further from Remus. “Sorry about that by the way. I was drunk.”

“No worries,” Remus says a little too quickly. “I’m not the first Marauder you snogged while drunk.”

“At least it wasn’t Wormy, right?” He mumbles and Remus laughs like the joke is actually funny.

“See, could have been worse,” he says, dawning his potentially burning hot coffee in a single gulp. “I’ll go clean up some more.” Remus gets up and before Sirius has a chance to respond, bolts out the door.

Now this is just his luck, he thinks miserably, as he lays back down on the bed with a groan.

*

“So what was that about earlier?” James asks when they’re all showered and lounging in the now spotless living room. Remus left the flat under some half-assed pretence and it seems like he won’t be back anytime soon. Sirius wonders how plausible it would be to pretend he didn’t hear the question.

“I don’t know what you mean, Prongsie,” he answers finally, glancing quickly at Pete who perked up at the mention of potential drama. That bastard.

“You and Moony had a fight or something?” James keeps prodding and Sirius can see the spark in Wormy’s eyes. For someone as seemingly shy and agreeable he sure loves gossip.

“We didn’t have a fight. I don’t know what you mean,” he repeats, shooting James a look that hopefully should make him drop the subject.

“Come on it’s our first week living together, you can’t be quarrelling already.”

“I just said we weren’t!”

“So why is he gone now?” James insists and Sirius really wants to wipe that smug look off his face. He loves the bloke but for heaven’s sake…

“Fuck if I know. I’m not his keeper,” he grumbles and moves to get up from the sofa.

“Okay, fine. Merlin’s pants, you’re touchy today.”

“Fuck off, Potter,” he says, sinking back into his seat with what he can feel is the face of an enraged toddler.

“Now that you mention it Moony did looks somewhat distressed when he was leaving,” says Wormtail, squinting his eyes. “Maybe he regretted spilling the truth about Mary.”

“Wait, what?” Sirius and James ask simultaneously. Prongs chuckles at that but Sirius’ mind is reeling. “I don’t remember that,” he adds accusingly.

“Oh boy, you both were drunk,” Peter laughs. “We played spin the bottle, your idea by the way Pads.”

Recognition dawns on Sirius like a hammer. Oh they did that.

James laughs loudly.

“I remember that!” he exclaims all excited. “What exactly did he say?”

“You know, they snogged at the last party?” says Peter, his eyes glowing. “Moony didn’t say but they probably went even further.”

Sirius feels his breakfast trying to come back up, stands abruptly and runs to the balcony. He hears James and Peter shouting something after him but he’s too focused on not throwing up to make out the words. He takes a couple long shaky breaths, begging his stomach to calm down. He remembers the game now and recalls the look on Moony’s face, relaxed and a bit red from the alcohol, when he shared the secret. They all laughed then, James fucking congratulated him and Sirius’ hand gravitated towards the firewhisky bottle. The rest of the night was still a blur up until the early morning on this exact balcony. Sirius crouches and grabs on to the cold metal bars, holding on for dear life. The nausea takes its sweet sweet time before it starts calming down.

“Hey, Pads,” he feels James’ hand on his shoulder but doesn’t lift his head which now rests on the metal bars as well. “What’s wrong?” Prongs sounds genuinely concerned.

“Nothing,” Sirius mumbles, still focusing on his breathing.

“Why did you run off like that?” James insists, now gently patting his shoulder.

“Got nauseous. Needed air,” Sirius manages to say through gritted teeth.

“Okay but right as we mentioned Mary? That’s a bit weird, you can’t deny.”

Sirius doesn’t know what to say so he just stays silent.

“Are you jealous or something?” Prongs asks and Sirius’ blood turns cold. How does he know?!

“I thought you didn’t like girls at all, mate,” James continues and Sirius lets out a shaky breath. Oh so he doesn’t know. But you should really get a grip, Black, or he soon will. James knows you too well.

“Nah, Prongsie, I’m still thoroughly gay,” he chuckles and with much effort lifts up his head. Progress. “Maybe I just got nauseous at the mere thought of kissing a girl,” he adds.

Prongs laughs and pats him on the shoulder again.

“Come back inside, idiot,” he says and disappears into the flat.

Sirius takes a few more deep breaths, plasters on a grin and heads back after him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a different one, no dialogue and quite short. Hope you enjoy!

Sirius doesn’t remember coming out. That is, of course he remembers that he did and he more or less knows what happened before and after but the exact moment is gone forever. What words did he use? Was it funny, somber, a mix of both? He has no idea. All he remembers is a resolve to never tell his friends and then drinking a lot and suddenly the words spilling out. He’s pretty sure he cried. Afterwards, when he was sitting on the Astronomy tower floor, shaking, the Marauders surrounded him in a group hug that they hardly ever did, the only other occasion he could recall was telling Moony they know his secret. It felt good, coming out. For a few days afterwards he was terrified that his friends’ initial reaction was just because of the alcohol loosening them up and he waited for disaster to strike… But nothing happened. Their lives went on, the talk was focused on the fast approaching OWLs. Sirius figured that they simply chose to ignore it.

He got a bit more bold, though. Made occasional remarks insinuating that he was not attracted to girls and looked at the rest of the Marauders, waiting for a crack. But still, Peter blushed but his eyes remained warm, James laughed but still reached out to pull him into hugs, grabbed onto his shoulder or straight up put his head in Sirius’ lap as if it had no other implications now that he knew. And Remus… Remus smiled at him shyly or rolled his eyes when Sirius’ jokes got overtly sexual. In short, nothing changed and yet everything did.

*

Sometimes Sirius wonders if Remus had truly forgiven him. The Prank, as they later came to call it, strained their friendship more than anything had before. Sirius wonders, too, if Remus would even consider forgiving him if not for what happened later that summer. After weeks of not speaking to each other, he wasn’t sure if he could go to James for help but there was nowhere else for him to go. So when he appeared on Prongs’ doorstep that night, bruised and wide-eyed, after two nights of wandering around London, he was expecting the worst. But when James finally got the full story out of him, how Regulus caught him with another boy, how Snape saw and said all those things, how Sirius just blew up and told him about the Whumping Willow; and how Regulus ultimately outed him to his parents, there was no question about him staying at the Potters. They took him in like their own long-lost son. And then, when James finally convinced Moony to please come see him, how he listened to the whole story with a closed off expression and only said that, it’s okay, Padfoot, I understand why you did it.

It was alright afterwards. They spent the next few days together almost like before. Moony laughed at his jokes again and teased him mercilessly, but Sirius still felt like there was a barrier between them. Even now, two years later, what he and Remus had was not the same as before the Prank. Of course, it did not help that Sirius realized he’s deeply and helplessly in love with one of his best mates.

*

Sometimes he wonders if Remus knows and is just toying with him. He did sit a bit closer, the past few months. Laughed a little harder at his increasingly terrible jokes. Touched him a bit more often. And finally kissed him back that night on the balcony. But it’s been three days and not a word was said about it apart from that short initial conversation. And Sirius is slowly but surely going mad.

It’s not like Remus is avoiding him, exactly. They just rarely happen to be alone in the same room anymore. And yes, that’s what you get for living with your three best friends in an apartment clearly not meant to contain the unstoppable force that is James Potter. But still, Remus sits closer to Prongs or Wormy when Sirius comes into the room or excuses himself to sleep whenever Peter, who shares a room with him, does so as well. So perhaps yes, he is avoiding him.

But life goes on, James and Sirius are preparing for the start of their Auror training in just a few short weeks, while Pete and Remus are hopelessly looking for jobs that would fit their qualifications at least to some degree. Wormy gives up first and takes a few shifts at the Muggle bar just a street away. Lily spends more and more time in the apartment with them, sometimes bringing Marlene and Dorcas along, but usually alone. She and James have been dating for a few months at school and now the relationship has blossomed into something more. Sirius is dreading the day when Prongs inevitably announces that he’s moving out.

And then there is the Order. So far they only attended a few initiatory meetings, all with their only contact, their old school acquaintance Frank Longbottom. James still bursts out laughing at the memory of how his face fell when he saw that the new recruits were in fact the infamous Marauders. All in all, in spite of the war looming just around the corner, everything is going great. But Remus still isn’t talking to him.


	4. Chapter 4

“I just don’t know what his deal is!” Sirius whispers, lying in his bed and staring a hole in the ceiling. Of course he finally broke and told James. Well, didn’t tell him everything. Couldn’t exactly go all the way and casually remark, oh by the way I think I’ve been in love with Remus for a few years now and how are you? But James, being James, figured out that something was wrong.

“I still don’t understand what happened, you need to give me more details, mate” he insists in a similar whisper.

Sirius takes a deep breath. What exactly is he supposed to say?

“We just-“ he starts. He will not tell James. He won’t– “I kissed him, okay?!” Oh for fuck’s sake.

“You- what?” James raises his voice, sounding incredulous.

“Shut the fuck up, Prongs!” Sirius whispers venomously and presses a hand to his forehead. This is a stupid fucking idea– “I kissed him. After our last party. Shut up,” he repeats.

“Well do you want me to shut up or give you advice,” Sirius can see the stupid smirk on his face without even looking his way.

“You’re an arse, you know that?” he mumbles and brushes a hand through his hair.

“Okay, but give me more.” James adds, still sounding like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You kissed him and what? He pushed you away? Do we have to have a word?”

“No, he didn’t, that’s the whole point!” This time it’s Sirius who raises his voice. “He kissed back. We went to sleep together and-“

“Hold up, you shagged Moony?!”

“No! Would you just listen?!” Sirius has the urge to put a pillow over his face and start screaming. “We went to sleep. Sleep, Prongs. Unconscious in bed.”

“And?!”

“And nothing! Next morning he was gone and then he marched in with the coffee all dressed and casual.”

James is quiet for a second.

“Did you ask him about it?”

“Well, I wanted to but he said he’s ‘sorry for giving me the wrong impression,’” he does his best approximation of Moony’s voice. “Said we were drunk and that was it.”

“Shit, Pads. Were you drunk?”

“I mean, yes we were but not to the point of losing control, I guess.” Sirius trails off. “I just– It’s not like I forced him or anything.” He’s suddenly scared that James is going to think that. It’s not like he was being predatory or something, right? I mean Remus could–

“…you know?” He wasn’t listening again.

“What?”

“I said that it doesn’t really count as talking about it.” Prongs repeats a little louder.

“Well, what am I supposed to do if he’s avoiding me like the plague.” Even to himself Sirius sounds bitter.

Prongs doesn’t answer immediately.

“Don’t take this the wrong way but why did you even do it?” he finally asks, cautiously.

Sirius wonders how to respond. He feels like it’s very important what he chooses to reveal. James is his brother but still… It feels wrong to say out loud.

“I don’t know,” he whispers. “Just wanted to see how it would feel?” It comes out as a question.

“Sirius… Come on.” James’ voice is soft and careful. When Sirius throws him a quick glance, Prongs looks at him earnestly like he wants to say, hey, you can tell me anything.

“I like him,” he says so quietly he can barely hear his own voice.

“Oh,” James is quiet too.

The calm and the understanding in that one word make tears prickle in the corner of his eyes. He hides his face in his hands and focuses on breathing. It’s so stupid. So fucking stupid. Remus could never– He can’t feel the same. He’s straight and even if he wasn’t Sirius is not a good candidate for a– He can’t even say it in his mind. A boyfriend? A partner? His mind is reeling and his eyes are still stinging and he feels this pressure all around making it hard to breathe and he knows, he knows Remus would never–

He feels someone’s arms around him and his first instinct is to pull away but a familiar voice shushes him and it’s James, just James and he still wants to touch him even though Sirius just admitted he fancied another man and–

“Hey, it’s all okay,” James says, pushing Sirius slightly to the side so that he can fit on the bed more comfortably. "I'm sure he’ll come around.” A hand is brushing Sirius’ hair. Rhythmic strokes, slow like James’ breathing. In and out.

He feels stupid. So much is going on in their lives right now and he chooses to break down over this.

“He’ll come around,” James repeats. “And even if he doesn’t it will be okay.”

“You’re fine with that?” Sirius asks, his voice muffled by Prongs’ shirt.

“With what? The kissing or the not talking?” James sounds like he’s smiling. “Why would I not be fine with you snogging Moony. Hey, at least it’s not me, right,” he laughs and goes quiet. “Hey, did you ever– did you ever like me?” he finally asks.

Sirius makes a weird choking sound. Truth or lie?

“Fuck off, Potter,” he says but then reconsiders. “I– I kind of thought I might,” he admits, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

“Well, I’m not surprised. With this body,” James doesn’t miss a beat.

“Fuck off,” Sirius repeats, more affectionately this time. “It was a long time ago. And for a very short while. You’re my brother, James,” he adds, quieter.

“I know.”

He finally lets go of Sirius and lies down on his side facing him. He looks uncharacteristically thoughtful.

“You know, I think I might not be the best person to give you advice. I mean, the way I went with Lily... It’s a miracle she finally said yes.”

“S’what I’ve been saying,” Sirius mumbles and gets a soft punch in the arm.

“Prick,” James pretends to be offended. “But yes, asking him out daily might not be the way to go here.”

“It’s never the way to go,” Sirius says and sighs dramatically. “Thanks for listening, though. I’ll figure it out.”

“You sure? We can keep brainstorming.”

“I’m sure. There’s more important stuff we should be worried about.”

“I guess… But try to talk to him. Knowing Moony it’s eating him up too. He’s just way better at keeping it in.”

Sirius nods and looks up at the ceiling.

“Anyway, I can’t wait to finally start training. This whole recruitment process is killing me. Like, what are they waiting for–“

Sirius welcomes the change of subject and Remus’ name does not come up in their conversation anymore. Falling asleep hours later he’s feeling better, for the first time since the whole kissing fiasco. James is breathing loudly in his own bed, his whole body relaxed, mouth hanging slightly open. Maybe it is going to be okay.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I've been gone a while but my laptop was being repaired and I lost access to the story. But it's all good now and here we go again!

Remus is half naked in the kitchen when Sirius emerges from his room the next day. He catches a glance of his scarred back and does a 180 only to collide with Peter, who’s coming out of the bathroom.

“For fuck’s sake, Wormy!” he shouts, his voice unnaturally high. “Watch were you’re fucking going!”

“Hey, you walked into me!” Peter shouts back, offended. “I’m going to be late for work, you prick.”

He squeezes past Sirius in the narrow corridor and walks into the kitchen. “Hey, Moony.” Sirius hears from the other room. He presses his head against the wall. This is ridiculous. Is he supposed to just stand here, or–?

“Anyways, I need to get going. Thanks for the muffin.” He hears Peter say and then watches him rush out the door, which closes after him with a loud thud. James is still asleep, which means… It’s just him and Remus. For the first time in days.

“Are you going to just stand there, Pads?” Remus’ voice is nice and soft. Inviting. Sirius hates it right now.

He slowly rounds the corner and comes face to face with a still shirtless Remus. Maybe it’s just a bad dream.

He sits at the table and looks around the kitchen, very pointedly avoiding looking at Remus himself. It’s a small room, with a large window behind the sink being its best feature. Peter insisted that they should get fresh herbs to grow on the windowsill and in spite of Sirius’ gloomy predictions, they are still alive, helped only slightly by magic. Wormy does have a way with plants. The room is small enough, however, that Sirius can’t justify looking around for too long. Especially if he wants to avoid Moony’s gaze. He looks down at the table instead.

“Coffee?” Remus asks after a moment.

Sirius wants to say something. Get up, get close to him and shout, did it really mean nothing to you? He entertains the thought for a second but decides against it. Remus already expressed all he had to say.

“Sure,” he says instead. He lifts his gaze defiantly and looks straight in Moony’s eyes for the first time in days. At least looking in his eyes means he doesn’t focus on his bare chest, right.

“How’s the job search going?” he asks, aiming for cheerful and moderately interested.

Remus sighs and there’s a crease in his brows that Sirius desperately wants to smooth out. No. Get a grip.

“It’s not going at all, to be honest.” Moony answers, looking away. He seems sheepish, almost ashamed. “I’m starting to think I should just follow in Pete’s footsteps.”

“Hey, come on. I’m sure you’ll find something good eventually. Don’t sell yourself short, Moony. You tend to do that,” he says, taking his time to really examine his friend. He looks tired. Frustrated, if the hunched shoulders are anything to go by. Sirius has been so focused on himself and the kiss that he completely forgot that Moony might actually have other problems right now. You’re an arsehole, Black.

“Well, I need the money,” Remus sighs again. He turns around to start making coffee. No magic. “And job opportunities are not exactly banging on my door right now.”

“I have money.”

“Good for you,” Remus sounds annoyed but the puff of his breath suggests that he’s a bit amused too.

“That’s not what I mean, you idiot.” Sirius shakes his head. It’s nice to talk to Moony again. “I have money and James has a lot too, we have you covered, as long as you need.”

“Thanks, but I don’t want your money, Sirius. I’d much rather have my own.”

“I know, I know. But hey, you helped me out in my brief adventure with poverty. You know, disowned and all?”

“You shouldn’t joke about that.” But Moony laughs anyway.

“I’m one hundred percent serious. Pun intended,” he says, as Remus groans. “I had all of two galleons to my name and you got me some textbooks. It’s only fair that I repay you in rent.”

“Whatever, it’s not like I’ll convince you anyway,” Remus says, pouring the coffee into two mugs and finally sitting down next to Sirius. He’s really quite close. If Sirius moved his hand a little, his fingertips would touch Moony’s forearm. He very consciously keeps still.

“Why are you walking around half naked, anyway?” Sirius asks innocently.

“Just got out of the shower. I wasn’t expecting to run into you.” You singular?

“Do you mind running into me?” Sirius asks and feels his heartbeat quicken. This is stupid, calm down, he tells himself.

“Hmm. I guess not.” Comes the answer. What the fuck is he supposed to think about that, huh?

“Oi, are you making coffee?” asks a voice from behind him and Sirius jumps a little, almost spilling his. It feels like he was caught doing something wrong. But he’s just talking to his friend for fuck’s sake. Ridiculous.

“But of course, I’ll make some for you, Prongs” says Remus, getting up. “Since you’re asking so nicely.”

James grins as he leans against the doorframe and looks down at Sirius. He seems to realize that he walked in on what could have been an important conversation and mouths a silent oh. Sirius glares daggers in his direction.

“Um–uh– I hope I didn’t interrupt anything?,” he says, awkwardly pushing himself to a fully standing position again. Sirius groans internally. What a master of tact.

“What could you possibly interrupt?” Remus laughs but his shoulders are tense.

“Um– Nothing I guess, I don’t know,” James manages weakly. “Anyway, are you making breakfast by any chance?” He seems to regain his composure.

“Not for you,” Moony answers, leaning against the cupboard and turning their way. “I was just about to leave, actually. A job won’t find itself.”

“Remember the Order meeting at five, though,” James says, moving away from Remus’ way.

“Of course I’ll remember,” says Moony and disappears into his room.

“Shit, sorry, mate, I didn’t think,” James offers as soon as Remus is out of sight. “I didn’t walk in on anything important, right?”

Sirius takes a deep breath.

“No, you didn’t,” he says, taking a big swig of his coffee.

It’s going to be a long day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, yes, I abandoned this fic for nearly a year even though it was finished but you know, pandemic, depression, shit happens. So here's the rest all at once before I lose my nerve.

“For the last time, the most important rule in this whole thing is you _have_ to follow orders. Do you understand that?” Frank sounds exhausted.

“Yes, Frank, you said that at least three times already,” James replies, grinning widely.

“And besides, what makes you think we can’t follow orders?” Sirius asks, knowing full well the response he’s going to get.

Frank groans loudly.

“Don’t worry, Frank, they’re just teasing,” offers Peter, buzzing from excitement.

Remus doesn’t say anything but Sirius can see the glint in his eye. He’s enjoying it, even if he won’t admit.

“Against my better judgement,” Frank says as if it’s causing him physical pain to do so. “I think you’re ready to go further.”

“Fuck yes!” exclaims Prongs and gives Sirius a high five in the air from the corner he’s sitting in. Sirius returns his gesture from afar.

“About time,” he adds.

“But!” Frank tries desperately to get their attention again. “This is serious!” He realizes his mistake the moment the words are out of his mouth. “I swear if any of you says _anything_ , I’ll hex you!” he shouts quickly.

Sirius opens his mouth like he wants to say something but closes it again, grinning. His eyes meet Moony’s gaze and oh fuck, his smile–

“We’ll take it seriously,” says Remus with a barely concealed chuckle. “They will behave.”

“Yes, sorry, Frank,” James adds and lets out a long breath to stop laughing.

“Hope it’s still as funny when your friends start dying on the streets, Potter.” Says a hoarse voice from the back of the room.

Sirius whips his head around and his eyes land on the most intimidating looking man he has ever seen in his life. His hair is messy and dark with dark grey streaks. If Remus has a lot of scars on his face, then this man seems to have every inch of his face covered with them. A chunk of his nose is missing completely. However, the most striking feature is his eyes. One small and dark and the other big, round and electric blue. It’s in constant movement, looking to the left, right and even, to Sirius’ astonishment, to the very back of his skull. It’s definitely magical.

The atmosphere in the room changes immediately. All of them sit up straighter and there’s no more joking around. Not in the presence of–

“Boys, meet Alastor Moody,” says Frank, sounding relieved. “He’ll be your superior from now on.”

James jumps up from his seat and heads towards Moody with his hand outstretched when–

“First mistake!” barks Alastor and suddenly there’s a wand in his hand, aimed straight at James’ surprised face. Sirius and Remus jump to their feet simultaneously, taking out their own wands. Peter is still sitting with a bewildered look on his face.

“You haven’t confirmed my identity yet and you’re coming towards me completely unarmed, Potter!” Moody continues, his blue eye spinning wildly. “Put down your wands,” he growls at Sirius and Remus. “He’d be dead before you remembered what spell to use.”

Reluctantly, Remus lowers his wand but Sirius stays still. There has to be a way to disarm him.

“Want to get your friend killed, boy?” Red sparks trickle down from Moody’s wand, too close to James’ face.

Sirius still refuses to move. Maybe if he casts a nonverbal– But Frank’s words ring in his mind like alarm bells. _Listen to orders_. With all of his will and against every instinct, Sirius lowers his wand.

Moody smirks.

“You’d all be dead right now. Maybe Pettigrew would have time to aparate.” He finally puts his own wand away and shakes James’ still outstretched hand. Prongs seems to have gone mute.

“Are you saying we should have just left him?” Sirius asks loudly, looking Moody straight in the eyes. Well, eye.

“I’m saying: constant vigilance.” The Auror pushes his way to the front of the room, leaving James behind. “You get caught like this, defenceless, and you’re done.”

“But–“ Sirius, still tense, opens his mouth to argue, but the deadly look in Remus’ eyes stops him. He’s still fuming.

“But what, Black?” Moody sits behind the desk and Franks stands next to him. “Ask more stupid questions and we won’t see each other in two weeks in the Ministry.”

“So– um– how would we confirm your identity, sir?” Peter is the first to break the silence. His voice is small and squeaky but at least he’s speaking.

“There’s no one sure way. We usually go with a question only I would answer.”

“With all due respect, sir, we don’t know enough about you to ask.” Sirius volunteers, finally relaxing the grip on his wand slightly. His knuckles have gone white. He glances quickly at James, who slowly seems to be regaining his composure.

“That’s why we’d have to establish the question previously.” Moody seems to be amused. Although it’s hard to tell with his scarred mouth curved into more of a grimace than a smile.

“Is that what you do with all of the recruits, sir?” James sounds almost normal again.

“Only those I’ve heard about as much as you four. You know, pride and excessive confidence is what kills the fastest. Now sit down, all of you.”

“Forget everything you’ve heard about this war,” Moody starts, giving each of them a once over with the magical eye. It feels like he can see everything down to their very bones. “ _The Prophet_ is keeping the public as in the dark as possible. First of all, it is war now. It’s not a misunderstanding, a small group of radicals or a series of unfortunate accidents. It’s war.”

They all _know_ that of course. They know _Prophet_ has been lying and omitting important facts and they know it got bad over the last few years. But hearing it from someone like Alastor Moody himself is still absurd. It all sounds so final.

“Our purpose is mostly intel. Prevention over attack. I know you all want to go out in a blaze of glory and punch Death Eaters in the face but that never ends well. We _always_ lose more than we gain in direct combat. So intel, vigilance, prevention.”

“You look like you’re having doubts, Black.” Sirius didn’t even realize he was making a face. Now everyone is looking at him.

“No doubts, sir,” he answers, honestly. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m always willing to punch people in the face, as you say.” He takes a deep breath. Come on, be mature about this. He has to let you in first. “But I know what the Order is for. Aurors catch bad guys, the Order protects the good ones.”

From the corner of his eye, he can see Remus smiling a tiny bit. Did he impress him with his maturity right now?

“Someone did their homework,” Moody makes that grimace again and Sirius concludes that it must, in fact, be a smile.

“What do you think, Frank?” Alastor asks, turning to Longbottom.

“I’d say they’re as ready as they can be, Alastor,” says Frank. “But they’ll need supervision.”

“Alright then,” he pauses. “You’re all officially in,” he motions for them to be quiet before James can open his mouth. “You’ll be paired up and get an older member as direct supervisor. Otherwise, you’re answering to me. Assignments will be given out in person only. If you get anything by owl, assume it’s a trap. In an absolute emergency we send a patronus. Think about your identity check questions and again, nothing gets written down here. Is that clear?”

“Yes, sir,” they all answer and Sirius almost laughs at how they sound like a little army.

“It’s Alastor for you now,” Moody concludes and gets up from the chair. “Frank will see you out.” He walks to the door. “By the way, I got my first scar when I was eleven walking into a bear trap.” With that, he’s gone.

“A bear trap?” Peter asks when the doors close after him. “Oh, that’s his question?” he answers himself.

Sirius feels the rest of the tension leave his body. He likes Moody, he concludes.


	7. Chapter 7

“Sorry if I interrupted you earlier.”

The late night talks with James seem to have become routine. They’ve discussed the meeting with Moody before. All of them squeezed tightly together on the sofa not meant for four. Remus, of course, sat on the opposite end from Sirius. They talked about their impressions of Moody and the Order for hours, jokes woven into the more sombre stuff. Now, Sirius and James are lying in beds in the room that they share and the conversation comes back to Remus. It feels weird, still. Sirius has been keeping this a secret for over two years and now he is just supposed to talk about it?

“You didn’t, mate, don’t worry,” he answers. “We weren’t talking about anything important.”

“But hey, at least you were talking, right?”

“I guess but then he ran off quickly again,” Sirius sighs. “But anyway, let’s just drop it, okay? He said what he had to say.”

“Yes, but–“

“And I should be glad he’s not moving out right now,” Sirius adds quickly. “Or throwing me out.”

“Come on, Pads, he wouldn’t do that,” James sounds sure of himself.

“Well what would you do in his place, huh?” Sirius raises his voice a little. “If I kissed you?”

“First of all I wouldn’t kiss back,” James says and they’re silent for a while. Yes. Why did Moony– “And, I don’t know… I guess I would be surprised, a bit shocked.”

“Grossed out?” Sirius volunteers.

“Freaked out,” James corrects. “But then I think I’d just say, sorry I don’t feel that way. And that would be it, mate, really. Well, maybe you’d get some shit for doing it while I’m, you know, in a relationship.” James chuckles. “Lily would murder you, though,” he adds. “And I don’t think I could stop her.”

“I can’t believe I ever liked you,” Sirius laughs and it feels so exhilarating to just be able to say that out loud. Like it’s something normal, something that’s okay.

“Come on, I’m sexy,” James laughs again. “Say I’m sexy.”

“Don’t flatter yourself.”

James pouts.

“Thanks,” Sirius says after a while.

“For what? Being a sex god? You’re welcome.” This git.

“Shut up. For being okay with this. It would be normal to be a little grossed out,” Sirius isn’t looking at him anymore.

“I don’t know, mate. I’ve always been friendly with girls who had crushes on me. Guess it’s pretty similar,” he hesitates, bringing a hand to his chin in mock thoughtfulness. “Though you are my brother, so maybe it is a little weird,” his eyes still have that mischievous glint.

Sirius rolls his eyes.

“Anyway, forget it. I’ll get over it quickly and he has enough on his plate,” he says, in a hopefully convincing voice. Sure, let me just quickly forget that I’m in love with him, he thinks.

“You’re sure?” No.

“Yes. It’s stupid anyway. We were drunk. I just hope he gets over it quickly.”

“Alright then,” James yawns. “Consider it forgotten.”

*

Pete is moving out. His mum has been sick for months but within the past few weeks her condition deteriorated. Mungo’s was becoming a real possibility. Peter was going to move back in with her to help as much as he could. They all learned about it at the last possible moment, of course. In his typical fashion, Wormtail kept it all bottled up and only told them he was going to leave the day before the move. James tried to convince him but his heart wasn’t really in it. They all knew it was the right thing to do.

Sirius suggests that they should celebrate the last night together with a bang. He tries to convince himself that he’s only doing this to cheer Wormy up but his conscience knows otherwise. Maybe if they drink again–

And so, after exactly a week from the kissing incident, he’s drunk and alone with Moony in the kitchen. Remus goes to clean up some of the bottles and Sirius follows him. He feels like a creep but is not sober enough to really care.

“Why are you avoiding me?” he asks, leaning against the doorframe for support. He can see the moment Remus’ shoulders go tense. He doesn’t reply.

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” he says quickly, before he loses the resolve. “I didn’t think. You’re right, we were just drunk. But why are you avoiding me now, Moony?”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“You know, you really could try to be at least a bit convincing,” Sirius feels angry now. Angry and confused. “Why did you kiss me back, Moony? Why didn’t you just tell me to fuck off?”

Remus still won’t face him. Or talk.

“What is it, Moony?!” Oh he’s shouting now. James and Pete might be able to hear. “Why won’t you just tell me to fuck off?!”

“I don’t want you to fuck off,” Remus’ voice is quiet and strained.

“Then what the fuck do you want from me?!” He crosses the room and grabs Moony’s arm to turn him around.

“I can’t do this, Sirius,” Remus raises his voice as well. “Don’t make me do this.”

“Do what?! What the fuck are you on about?”

“I can’t-“ Remus starts and closes his mouth with a sigh. He looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Sirius feels the anger drain out of him as quickly as it first appeared. He lets go of Remus’ arm and feels his fingers prickle from the lost contact.

They’re quiet for a moment.

“I’m sorry,” Remus says finally. Somehow hearing how sincere and tired he sounds breaks Sirius’ heart even more. “Sorry I was acting like that. My head’s a mess.”

“It’s okay, Moony. I don’t want to force you into anything,” Sirius slouches against the kitchen counter, feeling heavy.

“You’re not. I just- I don’t know.”

“Are you gay?” Sirius blurts out before he can stop himself. His heart rushes up to his throat. He can feel the fast uneven pulse.

Remus looks taken aback. He opens his mouth to say something and closes it again. He’s not saying no.

“I like girls,” he says quietly. Oh. So that’s it, then. “But I might also-“ His voice is almost inaudible now. “I’m not like you, Sirius,” he says in the end.

“Not like me?” It hurts more than it should.

“You’re so-“ he waits for the blow. “So open. You’re just you and the world has the deal with it and I’m- I wish I could be like that too, sometimes. Do you know what I’m saying?”

Remus looks so hopeful. Like he just wants to be seen and understood.

Sirius nods, not trusting his voice.

“So I suppose,” Remus sounds like he fights for every word to be spoken aloud. “I suppose I might be like you, after all. But not- Not all the way, I think.”

Sirius wants to kiss him, then, really fucking much.

“Okay,” he says instead.

Remus sighs loudly and brushes a hand through his hair.

“I think I just didn’t want to add this to my resume, you know?” he asks in a dejected voice.

Sirius hums in agreement like he knows what the fuck that means.

“Hi, I’m Remus Lupin. A homosexual half-blood werewolf. Nice to meet you too.”

“Moony, this isn’t something you can just wish away. Believe me, I tried.” Tried to wish away the feelings I have for you, too, he wants to add.

“I know that, Sirius. I know.”

“Besides you just said you’re not full on gay.” He can see that Remus is not comfortable with the word. He flinches, ever so slightly.

“I don’t know. It’s confusing. I really liked Mary but I also-“ he cuts himself off abruptly.

“Is that why you let me kiss you? To check?” Sirius isn’t sure he wants to know the answer.

“I-“ Remus looks like he’s just about to say something big. For the first time he meets Sirius’ gaze head on but then… “Maybe that is why, yes”

Sirius lets out his breath that he didn’t realize he was holding.

“Okay then, hope the experiment worked,” he says and pushes himself from the counter to a fully standing position. “Let’s go join the others,” he adds, and before Remus can say another word, exits the kitchen.

So it’s not men, after all, he thinks. It’s just him that Remus doesn’t want.


	8. Chapter 8

The night goes alright after that. He sits down on the sofa next to Peter and spends the rest of the improvised party talking and joking around. When Remus joins them a few minutes after he comes back in, Sirius doesn’t spare him a glance. He does feel like he’s being a little unfair. Moony did just come out to him and that takes a lot of courage. But he quickly shuts his conscience down. He is allowed to have his own feelings. And now, the feelings are hurt.

When he’s lying in bed a few hours later, listening to James’ deep breaths, he can’t stop thinking about the fact that Remus likes men. It feels like he was punched in the chest and can’t breathe properly. Remus fancies men. And he kissed him. And… Nothing. Sirius has been in love with his friend for years and now they kissed and he could theoretically have a chance but… He doesn’t. It’s worse, he thinks. It would have been easier if Remus was just straight. He’d say sorry but I don’t like you that way. Sirius would be hurt but he would, he hopes, eventually move on. But Remus likes men. Just not him, specifically.

Sirius knows it’s not all about him. Or rather, he’s trying to force his stupid brain to realize it. Remus being gay, or bisexual, or whatever, has nothing to do with Sirius. But it still feels like a blow. Like Moony is doing it just to personally spite him. You’re being ridiculous, Sirius whispers to himself. You’re being stupid and selfish. But the thoughts don’t go away. He covers his face with a pillow and squeezes, tight. He only lets go when he’s starting to get dizzy. It doesn’t help.

He can’t stand it. He has to get out. James is a hard sleeper, so Sirius doesn’t even bother trying to be quiet. He throws the covers off himself, grabs a pair of jeans, his wands and his keys and in a few long strides he’s out of the room. It’s nearing dawn. Just like then. No, don’t think about it. Before exiting the flat he takes the pack of cigarettes from the coffee table. Then, finally, he’s out. It’s a chilly night and all he’s wearing is a t-shirt but he can’t bring himself to care. He lights a cigarette and starts walking.

*

He feels his presence before he even hears the footsteps. After a few seconds, there’s a jacket laid across his shoulders and someone stands next to him. They’re in the park, near the apartment. It’s a little foggy and the sun is not quite above the horizon yet. Sirius is standing on a small bridge overlooking the tiny pond in the middle of the park.

“I’m tired, Moony,” he says finally, when the quiet is too much to bear. With shaking hands he lights another cigarette.

Remus doesn’t respond.

“Why did you come after me?” he asks in what is meant as an accusatory tone but he doesn’t think it comes out that way.

“I was worried.”

“Well, I’m fine, so you can go back in.”

They’re silent for a moment.

“Why do we always talk at dawn?” Sirius asks, looking at the water and the rays of the rising sun painting it a faint orange.

“I don’t know,” Remus sighs. “I guess everything feels a bit less real. Like whatever happens will be gone in the morning.”

“Moony, I can’t keep doing this,” Sirius says, still not looking up. “Just please tell me to fuck off and I’ll do it. I’ll try to just go back to how it was before. But you can’t- You can’t play with me. Just say it.”

He can feel how tense Remus really is. He’s trying to pretend to be his usual calm self but there’s a tension practically radiating off of him. Sirius uses all of his will to stay quiet and give him time.

“The thing is,” Remus starts and again it seems like he’s fighting to get the words out. “You’re just so intense, Sirius. It’s impossible to think clearly when you’re near.”

Fantastic. So it’s all his fault. He really wants to say it but stops himself. Give. Him. Time.

“When- When you kissed me,” Remus’ voice shakes. “At that moment it felt so right. And so easy. I-“

I love you, Sirius thinks. I really fucking love you.

“I got lost in it. In the moment. But then we went to sleep and I started thinking and- And I ran. You know that’s what I do when it gets too much.”

Sirius nods, tightly.

“Sirius I- I can’t be one of your phases.”

And that’s something he did not expect.

“My what?” he asks, incredulous.

“It can’t be just to keep you busy or- or to fill up space.”

“You really think that’s what this is about?” He can’t stand it anymore. “You think I’d risk it all, our friendship, the thing we’re fighting for because of a _phase_?!” he spits out the last word.

“Well, what am I supposed to think? You’ve never-“

“I’ve never been with anyone for long because I’ve been in love with you, you stupid asshole.”

If it was any other situation, he’d think that Moony looks absolutely comical. He’s opening and closing his mouth, his eyes wide. He’s clearly struck.

Sirius regrets his words as soon as they’re out, though. He’s kept it a secret for so long. Even the kiss could be played off and now… Now it’s all out in the open and there is no taking it back.

And then Remus does something he would never expect. He starts laughing.

“What the fuck?!” Okay now this is really fucking hurtful. Why would he…?

“And here I was- And you- And-“ Remus can’t catch his breath.

Sirius stares at him a moment and then turns on his heel and starts walking. He’s not just going to stand there and take it. If Remus thinks it’s funny then-

He feels a tug on his elbow and spins around to tell Moony to go fuck himself but Remus shuts him up. With his mouth.

His brain goes pop and he’s out. All he can do is kiss back with a strange ferocity like he’s trying to get as much from this as possible before it gets taken away and Remus’ lips are so soft and his head is spinning and what the fuck is happening right now.

Remus finally breaks the kiss and he’s smiling and God he looks so beautiful right now that Sirius could cry. He’s still too shocked for that, though.

“I’m sorry.” Moony says after a moment.

“You’re… sorry?”

“I had this entire scenario in my head and I didn’t even stop to think that you might think differently. I just- Why me, Sirius? You could have anybody. So why me?”

Sirius blanks.

“I’m not going to stand here and list your virtues, Moony,” he chokes out, finally. “You’re just. You’re Remus. You’re one of the most important people in my life, definitely the smartest and you’re- You’re just so good, you know?” Oh so he is listing the virtues, apparently. “You care about people and you keep me grounded and you’re really fucking attractive and-“

There’s this light in Remus’ eyes which makes him absolutely speechless.

“I really care about you,” he whispers.

“And what about the others?” Remus asks, looking down.

“Well, James and Pete will have to fucking take it,” he tries to sound more confident than he really is. “Besides, Prongs kind of knows already.”

“Figures,” Moony laughs softly. “Of course he knows before I do.”

They look over at the tiny pond and the park covered in the morning glow. If you asked Sirius, it’s really fucking romantic.

“Can I kiss you?” This one time, he asks.

Remus only nods and then they’re kissing again. And this time? It really couldn’t have been better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


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